Beertrain

Three Weeks Left

2007-10-11T14:07:00.000+01:00

As some of my readers will already know, in 3 weeks time my contract will end and I will be leaving Libya for the last time.

Naturally, I cherish my time at home in the UK and whenever I arrive back in Tripoli, I start a countdown of how long I have left before I can leave again. HOWEVER, as I contemplate flying out of Tripoli for the last time, I realise I am actually going to miss it!

Where else can the opening of a new coffee shop cause a 2 mile traffic jam?!
Where else can a short car journey to the shops bring such excitement and danger?!
Where else can you live in a house which requires a 2 minute drive to get to the kitchen?!
Where else can you be refused Pizza delivery because your house has no address?!
Where else can I meet such a friendly and generous group of Brits (and Aussies!) who, after such a relatively short time, I can genuinely call my friends.

Only in Libya.

Ramadan

2007-10-11T13:48:00.000+01:00

Wow, it's been a while hasn't it!

The topic of today's blog will come as no surprise to anyone living in Tripoli, or any Muslim country in the month of October. It will be subject number 1 on most of these people's lips.

Before I start, I need to put in a little disclaimer for my new (and very welcome) Muslim readers: I actually think Ramadan is a wonderful thing. What better way to affirm your faith than voluntarily endure a month of starvation and sleep-deprivation. Other religions could learn a lot from such dedication. I know that I couldn't do such a thing - I struggle if I'm without food or drink for more than 20 minutes!

Anyway there is an unfortunate down-side to this tradition: You have 7 million tired, hungry Libyans travelling around the Libya streets all day.

Since my flight back just 24 hours ago, I have seen a big fight down Gurgi Road with 30 angry men rioting down the streets with whatever weapon came to hand (mostly harmless cardboard!). I have nearly lost my car down a hole dug by a sleepy workman who forgot to leave a sign. I have seen taxis driving up the highway at 100 kph in the WRONG DIRECTION to get to a turning quicker and I have seen double the amount of crazy, dangerous driving from any normal day of the year here.
To cap it all, I was driving down a back street in Gargaresh earlier when the car in front suddenly stopped at a junction, put his car in reverse and slammed straight into the front of my car. When he got out he said "I'm very sorry, I didn't see you" as he leaned over my big shiney 15 foot long, 6 footwide Chevolet.
It's near the end of Ramadan, it's not even my car and the poor guy looks shattered so I just said. "Fair enough" unstuck my bumper from his and drove off!

HAPPY EID AL FITR!

To Blighty and Back

2007-07-14T15:37:00.001+01:00

Hi Blogfans - I'm back!

To be honest, I haven't actually been away, just lying low!

Finally after a long stint in sweltering Libya I finally get to go home. The day I leave for the UK the Tripoli temperature is 47 degrees in the shade and we haven't really seen any rain for 3 months. We arrive back in the UK and are greeted with chilly 17 degree temperatures and 3 weeks of RAIN! After one week of it I actually found myself pining for the North African heat!

Following the usual trouble with visas, we finally find ourselves back on the BA flight to Tripoli. Unfortunately we chose the first day of the UK school holidays and soon find that half the population of UK-Libyan children want to board our plane and sit in the surrounding rows!
For the next 4 hours we try not to notice the screaming, climbing, running kids whose parents were too busy trying to read the in-flight magazine to tell little Mohamed that the back of my seat is not a giant blue football!

We finally arrived back at our Libyan flat to find it fairly intact. The cleaner had been round and done a good job. She'd also done what all locals do - left the lights on for when we got back. Unfortunately that was 3 weeks ago and most of them had given up - one in the bedroom had actually exploded! But apart from that there was no major disasters. The "generic British satellite" box took a couple of restarts but works OK now - that's the important thing!

This morning I awoke and looked at the clock - it said 6am. I tried to go back to sleep but kept waking up every few minutes. I thought this was weird but enjoyed not having to get up yet. Finally the clock got to 8 and I got up to shower. After getting ready it was time to leave, I look at the bedside clock and it's 8:40 so I'm pleased we're gonna get to work a bit early on our first day back. Then Fi looks at the kitchen clock - it says 10:30am. "Must be broke" I say. Next she looks at her phone - that says 10:30 too, so I check Sky and that agrees.

Oh bugga! We've had a power cut!

Ah well, at least we got a lie-in!

Wacky Races 2

2007-04-28T16:35:00.000+01:00

Six months in Libya without a car crash - quite an achievement!

As you will have read from recent posts, I was rewarded for reaching this landmark with a brand new car. Lucky me.

Amazingly it look as long as 2 weeks for some idiot to hit it!I'm driving back from a mate's house, the time is 1am and the roads are relatively quiet. Suddenly I look into my rearview mirror and see two cars bombing down the narrow high street at speeds which must have been above 120kph, whilst undertaking all the traffic. I look ahead and see that the road narrows due to parked cars and realise that we are both going to reach that point at the same time. I get on the breaks and slow my speed to let these wallies past. Unfortunately, seeing that this is obviously a race, they both try to go round my car from opposite sides and one takes a route straight into the back of our car.

I pull over straight away and jump out to have a go at the brainless moron, but of course he is nowhere to be seen! He didn't even hang around long enough to see who he'd hit.I run over to the nearest group of lads and ask who's car that was. This is Libya,as one of my colleagues (a Libyan) later said, "they probably could have named all 12 of the guy's sisters"! Anyway, these guys were having none of it, despite clearly seeing the whole thing they just said "There is no car here, you must go now"
"What?"
"There is no damage, there is no car. You can go"

I quickly realised I wasn't going to get very far, and seeing as my Chevolet is built like a lead box on wheels I decided I could live with the minor scratches and drove home. (NOTE: For anyone reading this and asking the question "Why did you not go to the police?" You obviously haven't read my previous blog entries!).

The next day, I went out to inspect the damage in daylight. Only then did I discover that I was hit by a Mazda driver - the badge of his car was imprinted in my rear bumper!

Libyan Pastimes

2007-04-28T15:45:00.000+01:00

You gotta hand it to them, in a country with no bars, pubs or clubs and only 1 pool hall, 1 cinema and 1 bowling alley to entertain 5 million Libyans; it's not easy for these guys to entertain themselves but they do, and they do it in style.

Today I can exclusively reveal.....
THE TOP 5 HOBBIES - LIBYA vs THE WORLD:
---------------------------------
5) Fast food, but not as you know it:
Aside from a couple Egyptian fast food places (which can take half an hour to make your food), fast food comes in the form of a bowl of cous-cous and half a chicken. It arrives in seconds but has been cooking for days!

Libyans 1 - Rest of World 0 (It may not be the best of dishes but at least it's 100% meat!)

4) Coffee:
It's the Libyan equivalent of beer and as in the UK, is similarly drunk by large groups of loud young men who drink so much they go a bit loopy.

Libyans 2 - Rest of World 0 (Like alcohol but without the morning after effects!)

3) Fireworks:
A relatively new one in Tripoli. Libyans haven't really got the hang of this one - morning noon or night they entertain themselves with exploding cheap, dodgey small-scale explosives.I should think the Tripoli burns unit would be completely overwhelmed with casualties every Friday night ... if they ever build one, that is!

Libyans 2 - Rest of World 1 (PLEASE, PLEASE don't do it! Especially at 2 in the morning!)

2) Cars:
They sit in them and chat. They race them down the narrow main roads. There's even a spot in Tripoli where guys do stunts like drive on 2 wheels or get out while there car is in a spin, and then jump back in! The other day, I spotted a brand new car craze - follow the leader. Literally, 50-odd cars following eachother round the city in a long convoy as fast and as close as they can! Who needs television (!)

Libya 2 - Rest of World 2 (OK, it may look quite cool but not when you're trying to drive home!)

...AND FINALLY...

1) Street corners:
If there is a corner to hang around, there's a Libyan or 15 there. You can imagine them walking miles to find an available corner and when one is finally spotted, they celebrate by .. doing-absolutley-nothing.

Libya 2 - Rest of World 2 (It may be dull but it beats being stuck in front of the TV - draw)

So, if you're reading this and thinking how there's nothing on telly tonight, how crap the films are at the cinema, how that entertainment multiplex they built in town last year is a waste of money. Think of the poor Libyans stuck on their steet corners with a paper cup full of coffee discussing the latest modifications to their aging 1.4 litre Daewoo!

My New Chevy

2007-04-28T15:28:00.000+01:00

Upon our return to Tripoli and after a few well aimed hints, we finally got the company car we were promised. At just under 6 months late, this was fairly good .... by Libyan standards.
I was a bit nervous about driving a brand new vehicle around the Tripoli racetrack (or "roads" as we call them in the UK) but when I learnt the price of the car, I wasn't so worried. It seems that the Far East car makers have seen a market for cheap, reliable steel boxes with wheels and they can't churn them out fast enough!

My new car finally arrives. It's a Chevrolet (made in Korea), it's white (as is the fashion here) and it was so new it still had the wrapping on. Not just on the seats but EVERYTHING, even the indicator stalks had little plastic bags on them! Libyan keep these bags on as long as they can, to show they have a new car. So ... off they came!

A few days later and I'm in the offices of a local insurance company. Myself and my company's financial guy sit in front of the nice insurance man's desk as he asks us some important questions (my colleague translates for me):

First question: What is the car?"Chevolet Optra", I say.
There is some discussion about this, and I am told that they are very easy to break into. Apparently 42 were stolen in Tripoli in just 1 day recently. Somehow, the police didn't figure out a pattern until car 37! However, this is treated as something ammusing rather than anything to do with insurance.

Second question: What colour is it?
White, we tell him. The same colour as 99% of all Libyan cars! He may as well have asked "Is it white?"

Third question: Do you have the car's registration book?
I hand it over. It has a stamp to let us drive it on roads, a stamp to say it is white and another stamp to say it is a car.

Fourth question: ...........................Nope, that's it.

"Doesn't he want our address?", I asked my colleague.
Nope
"Doesn't he want to see my driving licence?"
Nope
"What about past accidents?"
Nope
"Driving convictions?"
Driving what?
"Never mind"

As we wait for the documents to print, the nice insurance man engages us in small talk."We had an interesting client in today." he said, "His insurance was due to run out at 12 noon and, would you believe it, his car was stolen at 10am.""That's lucky!" exclaimed my finance guy, with genuine astonishment."Amazing isn't it!" replied Mr Insurance, without even a hint of sarcasm.

See, those Koreans have given the world far more than just Dog Cuisine!

Lunch Police

2007-04-07T15:26:00.000+01:00

How quickly 17 days away from Libya can seem. Before we know it, we're sat in the company death-trap Hyundai, hurtling down the airport road at 180 kph (115 mph) chuffeur-driven by a mad Libyan who screams "Fast, good, yes?" to us, and hangs his hand out the window to see if he can touch the road whilst driving.As is the British way, we sit with a polite smile holding on for dear life.

Finally, after what seems like half the length of Libya itself, we finally reach our turning and are flung to the side as the driver swerves right, barely keeping all four wheels on the road. A welcome sight meets us ahead - a traffic jam - the squeal of our tyres is followed by the squeal of tens of other local drivers following closely behind, all driving in a similar style.

We stop. I open my eyes and see a police van in front of us (there is a footie match in the area later so there are lots of them around). However, there was something odd about this van - instead of being filled with prisoners or police dogs or other officers, it's filled 2 foot high with plasic bags .... or to be more accurate: packed lunches!Apparently, the diet of a Libyan copper consists of one roll, one soft drink and one choccy bar, all delivered by the Lunch Police. There are hundreds of these food parcels, all wrapped in a see-through plastic bag and piled into the back of this police truck! It was Meals-on-Wheels for Coppers!

At least it put the first smile on my face since arriving back. Shame it's an arrestable offense to photograph the police otherwise I would have placed an hilarious picture just below these words. Ah well, you'll just have to put up with my poor Photoshop reconstruction....

Fancy That!

2007-03-10T14:38:00.000Z

I went out for dinner and a party the other day.

There I was met by some gypsies, cheersleaders, 3 chippendales, 4 American footballers, captain Jean Luc Pickard and an Alien. That's right - it's fancy dress - Libyan ex-pat style!

PENdemonium

2007-03-01T08:30:00.000Z

I had to attend a conference this week. This mainly involved me standing in front of large posters telling everyone who cared to listen, how fabulous my company is and how fantastic it's ex-pat manager is!

Anyway, as you can imagine, there weren't vast quantities of people queuing up to hear me tell them this so we decided to entice them with promotional freebies - pens, mugs, even a clock desk tidy.

Unfortunately I soon discovered this to be a very bad move. Libyans, as it turns out, are habitual hoarders. Even the appearance of a 20 pence ballpoint pen caused near pandemonium as people clamoured to own one of these precious rarities. Fiona was even forced to call for back-up after making the mistake of handing out a couple of company mugs!
Anyway, as you can imagine we met a few interesting characters. Most would talk to you just to try to get more freebies but this proved great fun if you played hard ball. Here are some of the best examples of Libyan's trying to butter me up for free stuff:

Friendly electrician wanders past:
"Hello" he says.
"Hello" I reply
"Clock, please"
"You want a clock?"
"Yes, for my baby"
"Your baby wants a clock desk tidy with matching pen and post-it notes?"
"Yes"
"That's a very intelligent baby, sir!"
"Yes. Clock."
"Fair enough - here you go."
-----------
Big man with bag full of free stuff:
"MUG!"
"Hello sir, do you have any questions about the facilities my company can offer you and your colleagues in today's dynamic Geophysics market?"
"MUG!"
-----------
Caterer approaches pen arrangement.
"Pen?"
"No, sorry" - I was running low and wanted to save them for clients.
( Caterer's friend approaches. He is carrying a plate full of cakes and gives it to me. )
( Caterer's friend returns with two cups and an assortment of hot drinks sachets. )
( Caterer's friend returns again with jug of boiling water and offers to pour. )
( Caterer's friend appears empty handed )
"Pen?"
"Help yourself!"
-----------
Conference employee walks over to me.
"Hello, how are you?" he asks in broken English
"I'm fine thank you, yourself?"
"English?"
"Sorry?"
"You English? From UK?"
"Yes, I am"
"I studied at University Cardiff, 1989" he says, proudly.
"Oh really, did you enjoy it?"
"The worta in Majorca, don't taste like what it orta!" he blurts out.
"Yes .... well ... I errr ...."
"On TV innit. Waaarta Majorcaa. Funny TV!"
"Oh yes, of course!"
"Bye" (takes pen)

Fi Gets Some Visitors

2007-02-21T17:07:00.000Z

After nearly 6 weeks here, we finally get to see a familiar face - Fiona's parents come to visit!

It was great to see them and finally show someone that all the funny stories and unusual customs were actually completely true!

We had 5 great days showing our new arrivals the delights of Libya (they are suprisingly numerous!), one of which was a trip to the old Roman city of Sabratha.

Here are the photos for anyone interested. The Roman ruins are the bricks and columns by the way, not the people standing next to Fiona (only joking Peter and Sheila!!!!)!

Move Over NASA!

2007-02-21T16:57:00.000Z

Finally; we have a managed to install a certain generic UK satellite television service in our Libyan abode!

It took a little more effort than I anticipated and probably a LOT more effort than the poor Libyan satellite engineer expected. We estimate he was stuck on our roof for over 15 hours in total trying to get a decent signal. He tried 3 different spots on our roof, one of which had to be scrapped because it was behind the washing line of our Egyptian neighbour and every time he put his washing out, we lost the signal!
You got to hand it to the Libyans though - they don't give up til the job's done. Full credit to those guys.

Anyway, it's all up and running now. Amazingly I get around the same signal strength as I did in the UK although we are missing quite a few channels being outside their range.

Anyway, if you ever wondered how big the dish needs to be to receive UK satellite signals in North Africa (something I'm sure you ponder almost twice a week!) well here's your answer.....

Hell's Kitchen

2007-02-10T14:22:00.000Z

This post is a little late but I though I would show you all the lovely kitchen they have put in for us in our Libyan flat. We were delighted when they finished ... until the next day when the finishing touch of some "Kitchen Wallpaper" was added. See below:

Tis The Season.....

2007-01-23T13:35:00.000Z

...to get married, apparently!

There seem to be a few weddings around Tripoli at the moment. Fiona was invited to one last night and there seem to be a few in the area around our flat.

How do I know this, you ask. Well because if you don't want to shell out for an expensive banqueting hall or hotel, then there is a much easier and cheaper alternative in Libya - a big tent!

Yes, I know people with big gardens in the UK sometimes do this, but here in the centre of Tripoli, they have no gardens. So where do they put the tent?

How about IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MAIN ROAD! That's logical, isn't it?

Indeed, the house at the end of our street is hosting a 4 day wedding celebration and they have decided that the main road outside their house is the perfect spot to erect a tent and fill it with floor cushions and excitable women!Thus, just like the kitchen, instead of a quick route through the tent, we have to go round the block to get to our house. Genius.

Even after reading all these blogs, I still hear some doubters. Hence, I once again provide photographic evidence ..... trust me, this is NOT a small side street!

More soon no doubt!

The Wall

2007-01-14T11:09:00.000Z

Happy New Year Blog Readers.

Well, after a well-earned rest in the wonderful country that is the UK, I am back in Libya for my second stint of four this year.

Thankfully, we were greeted at the airport by our latest Libyan 'fixer' (a guy who allegedly gets things done in a country where EVERYTHING is difficult). Conversation on the trip back to the office was limited to "How are you?", "No understand". I should probably work on my Libyan for this trip.

All was going swimmingly until we arrived back at our lovely flat and found that they had made some alterations....

Basically they had put a new wall in between us and the kitchen. That was it. No door, no new kitchen on our side of the wall; just a wall!

The house is in a long row of houses with a front entrance (ours) and a back entrance (for our colleagues). What this meant was that we had to pack up the food we needed, drive round to the back, cook our dinner, put it in a big pot, jump back in the car and then drive round to the front again to eat it. Later we would drive back round again to do the washing up!
All this, and we only lived 2 inches away through this damn wall!

Forward planning is not a Libyan strongpoint. Things can only get better I guess!

Dopplegangers

2006-12-17T14:10:00.000Z

So today I was trying to find out what was on telly tonight. We are trying to get hold of a moody Sky box but shipments are not too regular so we must wait a while. I also have to get hold of a dish from NASA, big enough pick up the signal!
Anyway, as I said, today I was looking on the internet to see what was on either of the 2 channels available here that I can actually understand (Saudi Arabian ones), when I come across a competition one of the channels is holding.

This channel is based in Dubai and has bought the rights to CSI, Desperate Housewives and Friends. To celebrate this, they are holding a LOOKALIKE competition.

Yes, you know what's coming .... here are a few examples of the "Friends' entries. As you will see, most are almost indistinguishable from the actual actors! Enjoy!

(click on photo for bigger view)

Leptis Magna

2006-12-10T16:20:00.000Z

Friday was a good day, we went to Leptis Magna - some impressive local Roman ruins - with some of our Libyan colleagues.

Unfortunately none of the girls could come because they forgot to ask their fathers - we are talking about women in their 30's here!

We borrowed someone's minibus and headed east for the 80 mile drive. Unfortunately the cousin of Nigel Adbul Mohammed Mansell (met in a previous blog) was our chosen driver for the day - Ayrton Ahmed Mustafa Senna.

He drove the whole way like we were on some sort of stock car race, I was petrified (I reserve my actually feelings for a place where obscenities are more acceptable!). The lad would drive this minibus at speeds in excess of 100 mph and then when another driver got in his way, tailgated him with literally an inch or two between vehicles. Obviously I had my seatbelt firmly secured and also attempted to use the one next to me for extra safety - it wouldn't fit so I just stopped looking out the window!

At last we made it to the site. It was a great day and we even hired a guide to ensure we actually knew what we were looking at (after we had figured out what the hell he was saying!). The Libyans were fascinated ... for about 5 minutes. Then they preffered to climb over the 2500 year old structures before disappearing off to a local restaurant for a 3 hour lunch!

Anyway, here are some photos for those how are vaguely interested. As you can see it was a beautiful day and a beautiful place. The Libyans definately have some things better than us.

Our New House

2006-12-03T15:51:00.000Z

Sorry all, I have been neglecting my Blog duties of late.

Either it's just been a quiet week or so, or I am getting used to the mad antics of the Libyan population. Also I have been a little preoccupied with the calendar now that I have less than 3 weeksto go until my return to the beautiful land of Blighty.

Two weeks ago we finally moved into our new house. It is a grand looking affair with a total of 3 floors, 11 rooms and 3 bathrooms. All marble floors, drapes and surprisingly tastefully designed.
We will end up having the ground floor and the rest will be used by company guests but for now we have the place to ourselves. If Fi wants a bath and I want a number 2, we can use seperate floors so as not to offend each other! Very handy.

Anyway, all wasn't always so great. We walked in on our first day and decided to give everything a test. Bathroom taps were first ....... nothing.
"That's ok", said our Libyan boss, "we just need to turn the water on."
Sqeak, squeak, squeak went the tap and suddenly there was the sound of rushing water from all around.

All three bathrooms had turned into beautiful Libyan water features with water shooting in every direction and from every conceivable place. The kitchen was rapidly turning into an impressive swimming pool with wave machine and the back yard had a stream running through it.

Welcome to our new abode.

Without the time to fix it properly, each leak was dealt with using a cloth or a quick tightening of this and that. Still water flowed but now it was at least diverted to the nearest drain.

The water ran all night and every few hours I kept waking from my sleep desperate for a piss!

Birthday Wishes

2006-11-20T07:39:00.000Z

So yesterday was my birthday. I decided to buy cakes for the office in celebration of both my birthday (as is customary in the UK office) and of moving into my new house here in Libya - more on that later.

I place the cakes in the staff kitchen which, as usual, is filled with Libyans chatting and generally not doing much else. There is much excitement as they wish me happy birthday and dive in for the cakes.

Suddenly one girl who is sat in the corner looking a little puzzled, suddenly realises what is going on (her English is not so good). She jumps up out of her chair, arms flailing and shouts:

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

At least she tried.

Happy Birthday Mr Libya!!

2006-11-19T18:51:00.000Z

Happy Birthday Mr Don Ken!

21 again!

There is a present waiting for you when you return to the land of the Hawooo Mate!

Car Wash

2006-11-16T16:49:00.000Z

On the way to work today I saw a guy washing his van with a hosepipe.

The INSIDE of his van that is!

Rat Torture

2006-11-14T11:51:00.000Z

In the unlikely event that you find a rat in your house in the UK, I suspect the first thing you would do would be to jump onto the nearest chair and scream.
Secondly, if female, you would get a fearless young man to kill it. If male, you would probably either pluck up the courage or dash down to B&Q for some poison.

In Libya, they are different.

The lad who looks after our office found a rat in the basement. It is not uncommon here. However, his first reaction was not to kill it but to give it a collar and lead and parade it round the office. Then he ties it to the front gate and begins to swing it from side to side, to the amusement of the rest of the staff.

Ok, you don't believe me? Here are the photos......

Hob Nobbing

2006-11-10T21:03:00.000Z

Today I spent the afternoon at the British Ambassador's house hobbing and nobbing with the cream of Libyan ex-pat society.

A delightful selection of wines, beers, canapés and of course gin & tonics was on offer (Ambassadors's residence hence LEGAL!).

Predictably, I was quaffing the wine at pace, seeing as it may be the last time I see it before returning to the UK at Christmas. I even held the glass with my little finger pointing outward so as to appear more proficient at hob-nobbage.

Unfortunately, I nearly gave the game away after I had consumed a fair few glasses and stated in a very loud voice:
"This is all very nice but where are the Ambassador's Ferraro Roche!?!"

His wife was standing right behind me!

Bo and Luke Duke

2006-11-08T16:31:00.000Z

I try to make this blog a diverse overview of Libyan living but I always keep coming back to the same subject. I apologise in advance and will try harder next time!
It is a good one though!

So we're driving back to the flat at around 11:30pm. Fiona's behind the wheel and we pull up to some traffic lights. A copper is standing at them and when it goes green he walks into the road and indicates the car 2 in front to slow down.

I tell Fiona it's probably best to go round and not attract their attention so we change lanes and go round the slowing car. Unfortunately this had the opposite effect, they spotted us and started shouting, flashing the lights on their cop car and beeping their horn.

I tell Fiona to floor it - this is not the kind of country you wanna be getting stopped by the police and I wasn't really in the mood for handing over cash. Unfortunately the cops in question hadn't had their fill of action that night and started tearing after us like some sort of Dukes of Hazard car chase.
There were no missing bridges for us to jump and escape so they soon caught up and we had to pull over.

Just to make sure, the guy does a little handbreak turn in front of the car to block the road. Now we were in the sh*t - Evading arrest as well as whatever we'd done wrong in the first place. Oh yeah, and our front headlight wasn't working!

As you can imagine, we are fair sh*tting it by now. The copper approaches my window and says something in Arabic. I look confused so he makes a book motion with his hands prompting me to give him Fiona's licence and permission letter.
He takes them and makes a circle motion with his hands, walks back to the car and bombs off like some sort of drag race.
We have no chance of keeping up in our lickle Hyundai. He shot off out of view and about 20 seconds later we see him shooting off in the other direction on the other side of the dual carriageway!

Still sh*tting it but now without a licence Fiona tries her best to find them. Eventually we spot them parked up in their original position next to the traffic lights about half a mile down the road. I feel for my wallet in anticipation of handing over a fair wad (at best) and Fiona pulls the car up beside another copper, who now has her documents.

"Oogli sherben fretish nu nu parabling" He says.
Fiona starts telling him she has no idea what he's saying.
He nods in satisfaction that he has made a very important point, hands back the documents and waves us on our merry way.

WHAT? Answers on a postcard please....

Wacky Races

2006-10-31T07:53:00.000Z

I reckon you could stand at any Libyan junction for a day and watch at least 5 car crashes.

Wait a minute....

Why bother to sit beside the road and wait for the accidents when the accidents can come to you. Yes that's right, 2 hours after writing on here yesterday; I was involved in a car accident myself.

I was driving along the main road and pulled into the left hand lane to turn left. I started breaking a long way back and indicated a full 100m or so from the turning. We're in Libya, you have to do this.
Anyway, Nigel Abdul Mohammed Mansell comes bombing up behind me at about 40 mph, weaving in and out of traffic like most do here and realises he has run out of road. Conveniently there is a big white Hyundai in front of him to take the impact.

He smacks into the back of me at pace and reshapes the back of my car into a nice deep V-shape.

I get out the car, dash over to him, and in full Croydon Mode began teaching the lad a lesson in English swear words. Of course he doesn't have a clue what I'm saying so I have the indignity of ringing a Libyan and getting them to come down and swear for me.

Anyway, to cut a long story short. I indicated, broke slowly and left plenty of room on both sides of the car therefore; obviously, it is my fault he drove into the back of me.
Oh yes, did I mention that I am a white man.
Seriously, you will never understand this country until you have visited, and still I don't have a clue what's going on!

It was swiftly decided that I was in the wrong and, to avoid a lengthy wait at the cop shop we agreed to repair the damage and even give him and his friends a lift home. Especially when one developed a mysterious limp an hour later which alternated legs every now and then.

I was obviously fuming and to avoid any trouble I got as far away from those nobheads as possible.

Later our guy came back from the car body shop with the bill for repairs. He looked solemn as he told the Libyan company owner.
"Mir", he said.
"Mir sounds like a big number. I remarked to him.
"Yes", said the Libyan, shaking his head., "That is 100. 100 Dinars"
"100 Dinars to fix the whole thing?"
"Yes, one hundred Dinars and he will have his car back."

At this point I burst out laughing hysterically. The whole thing had suddenly reached a new level of ridiculousness and I could no longer be angry.....

100 Dinars is forty quid!

Wot no McDs??

2006-10-25T12:39:00.000+01:00

Another home game beckons and the Beertrain crew are down to 3, but instead of getting all emotional (and to keep Mr DonKen in touch with the world of the beertrain!), we must continue!!

Picture this... Saturday morning 10:30am, in the George in Croydon sunny South London, with all the other drunken bums, necking a nice greasy fry up for breakfast, washed down with a cold pint of Carling, what better way to start the day!!